BRIBE

‘Who has invented the system of bribing, I’ve vowed to myself to find out the root of this’ my ever enthusiastic & innovative friend declared while we were about to finish our final round of coffee on 4th Sunday evening club of elitists like us all. ‘You fool bribe taking & giving is the basic instinct’ another ridiculed him. Actually instincts are basic only but I’d decided not to plunge into the issue till it gets ripen enough & all eight of us get interested to contribute the valued views. ‘I’ve never seen cat to bribe its master to get the milk’ the earlier one shot back, he must have felt bitten dust by those remarks. ‘Look, we can say bribing is the human instinct. Show me one person who hasn’t taken or offered bribe in his life’ I could not hold myself & put my mouth into the debate. Suddenly I found everybody shook their head in approval & the issue melted like ice cube in the summer noon.

‘Listen, wake up you, I think I found the root of bribing’ my enthusiastic friend called literally in the mid night that night to reveal his discovery. It wasn’t funny for him or me to call or answer the call in the odd hours. ‘Yes, what is that?’ And he narrated the story which I listened helplessly & hung up in the end. ‘Long back, brother in law of a king was good for nothing. So the poor king, to please his queen offered him the job of counting surfs seating at the shore of the sea. The fellow did count surfs & struck with an idea of squeezing money from every passing ship & boat. And the bribing was born here’. Perhaps Octroi too, and that is the reason bribing at Octroi posts are so systematic after all it has the history of thousands of years. Police, revenue, education, power, … are comparatively new in the business; a feeble thought passed by my mind as I was in half sleep & half awaken condition.

Years passed & my ‘human instinct’ carried me through revenue services which presented me with pretty wife & unbelievable opportunity for bribe. ‘Do not bring all those dry papers to me to sign’ I issued standing instructions to entire of my staff which they followed standing not only for me but for themselves too. Be it leniency or delay, promptness or haste in action, transfers, sharing of information, sharing of collection I imbibed on my staff on how it is beneficial to all of us to get along & to get rich. I recently read in some news paper that the ‘percentage’ is fixed in my department. It was truly a proud moment for me & my wife too. After all it was her father who preached me technique of accepting bribe, inducing potential customer to offer bribe, corner straight forward person & squeeze bribe, make crystal clear file into complicated one. Confusing higher-ups & sowing seed of malice into their mind was the shortcut to make money. Why otherwise I’d frame his photo into gold & dangle on the hall front wall?

All said & done, but one of our, I mean mine & my wife’s ambition was far from accomplished. Yet, I’ve full confidence in our judicial system & that day oops night arrived soon. Two past midnight I answered the door bell to welcome the CBI team on raid on that auspicious night of my life. ‘You are really CBI’ my wife just couldn’t believe her eyes she cried emphatically, just short of hugging the officer. Some fifteen member team went on their job of combing our seven bed room terrace flat at the top of the building sea facing owned at some undisclosed sum. ‘It is already three hours they’ve started their work, shall I offer him something to hush up the matter?’ I whispered into ear of my wife pulling her into our kitchen. ‘You are truly ignorant bum. Let them get some clue to our wealth then we will offer them proportionate sum then. They are the people who will leak the information helping us upgrade our stature in society. Those xxxx had settled their raid for three corers, why you want to settle for less?’ my over ambitious wife lectured me in kitchen pulling my night dress close to her chest. ‘Raid revealed treasure’ I read seating at home next days headline in news paper flashing my smiling face.

‘To hell with congratulatory calls’ I cried in regret of putting phone at my home. People from all quarters of life were calling & congratulating me. Few fools were congratulating me on getting pass from the judicial maize; wise men were congratulating me on knowing that I’ve accumulated so much of wealth in such a short time. I had just achieved everything a man can. Money & fame what else one needs? Had my father in law alive, he’d have cried in happiness for his son in law has surpassed him. his mere pension was stopped I was dismissed from the job.

I was grateful for not having the job. I’d ticket for the forthcoming election from the national party. ‘Now a days, getting famous people to fight election & run a government is big problem’ the politician who came at my home to offer ticket & inform his party’s decision was telling me adjusting his topi & dhoti. I looked at my wife she was beaming with joy & looking gorgeous than our marriage day.

By

Vijay Yelmelwar