BEING A RICKSHAW DRIVER

It isn’t easy to pilot the auto rickshaw on the crowded roads it requires great skill, tons of guts to ram the three small wheels on the bumpy roads carrying passengers weighing four times its own weight. It is the great feelings to drive the three wheeler on the road. The rickshaw is small with the handle instead of steering wheel with the lever in the left hand which needs to pull with the jerk to make the machine start. You are in the front of it just behind the windshield glass. I once dreamt of being rickshaw driver, but it is not at all easy.

You must not have the driving license in first place to drive the rickshaw. This would give the feeling of great achievement on the busy roads just in front of the traffic police. Well, there are great souls to whom even police fear but I’m not keeping so high a target. Lesser the driving knowledge better it is, as more knowledge always makes man more cautious of perils associated. Say if you know taking sharp turns can tumble the stupidly designed passenger vehicle will you do so? So, fun in driving the rickshaw is lost there only. The rickshaw driver must & utmost understand the first principle that he must overtake all the vehicles running along even if he’s slept all the day parking his rickshaw in no parking zone. Yet, when he’s started his vehicle he must be frontrunner; how can he deprive of his passengers being runner up even at the cost of their lives. It is not at all easy.

The rickshaw must be mirror polished all the time. You must be able to comb your styled haircut looking into the polished front of the rickshaw. The interior should be so decorated that even the A class Mercedes Benz develops complex. Then the petty things like seating space for the passengers may have to be compromised, but it is just trivial thing to note. But out of the rickshaw care must be taken to soil the premises around by spitting the gutka churned saliva on continuous basis. In pursuit to join the dare devils on the roads I stitched even the netted dark coloured two button shirt with the long collar & milky white pants. You must be able to sport the chest hairs & keep the arms naked by folding the long sleeve up with the thick brass or steel bracelet on the right hand. That is not all, you must have the careless, tension free & relax feelings spilling over your face & every act even thought you’ve just borrowed money to buy the sachet of gutka. ‘Money! What money I can earn tons in minutes but who wants it anyway’ more one has imbibed such feelings deep into his blood can only qualify to be an able rickshaw driver. I say it is not at all easy.

You must have the guts to talk rudely with the customers, manhandle them if necessary what is customer any way, one goes on other comes to you. Try to squeeze them at every possible opportunity as the same customer will never repeat the same driver & vice versa. And there are ample of both around. Tariff meter fitted inside must be out of order & to be used to tie the silk cloth which furls outside while the rickshaw is on the run that enhances the might & beauty of the rickshaw & its driver both.

The windshield is to protect the driver of dust & smoke etc. but it lets him see through is the lesser known benefit. You must learn to drive the rickshaw looking through space left in the giant sticker pasted onto the glass. Rickshaw must be filled with kerosene in place of petrol. There are few fools who fill mixture of both but that is not the fuel rickshaw is made up for. After all, there are roadside rickshaw mechanics how will they survive? It is chain reaction actually everybody is getting benefited into it & in the end the country is prospering. Parents have to spend less on their child who has the great ambition to become rickshaw driver - rickshaw costs just little above the two wheeler so one gets to earn just easily – no need of driving knowledge so no expenditure – accidents – mechanics & hospitals thrive well – style dresses – tailors benefit – gutka chewing – boost to paan shops helping give birth to gutka king – health problem – hospital boon – rash driving – people get automatic education of unwritten traffic rules – traffic problems due to rickshaw – police earns to turn blind eye – adjusting ten to twelve passengers in the place of three – accommodative feeling is propagated among the masses, fear of getting killed in traffic makes them more humble that is the side benefits like side effect.

Yes I forgot the important benefits that are; every rickshaw driver is Romeo in first place. Sometimes he even tries to molest the girl whom he loves one sided & normally the girl doesn’t even know about his existence. Molestation, killing, abduction etc. causes suicide in some instances thus help reducing the population. If all goes well, then they marry too, again national benefit. Yet, it is not at all easy.

I again realized it is not at all easy, I’m trying my best first with imbibing the careless, tension free nature. Turning forty yet no gains, thus all I can say it is not at all easy.

By
Vijay Yelmelwar

WE MAKE TV SERIAL

Indian TV audience must remember the serial called Sansar by Dheeraj Kumar used to air on TV regularly. I remembered one of my aunts quoted, sansar started the day your sansar also started. In fact I got married the same day. The sansar on the TV & my real life sansar slowly progressed as time passed on. Due to pressure from the elders we progressed with little more speed & had our child by the end of 30th months of our marriage. Due to pressure, again, from the Indian audience TV sansar had to move slow & they couldn’t yet decide on whom to marry by whom, how to progress on their business, take on their enemies, arrange for their finances, convince their parents etc. etc. That was supposed to take more time wasn’t it? Yes, mean while I left my job & started my own business too. Yet, sansar was rolling on & on & on effortlessly on TV, like any moving body would do in the space. Thanks to make up all those actors look still young & fresh.

There was audiences’ patience testing serials like Buniyaad & many more others too. Recently serials starting with ‘K’ have created history in India. It helped the society in drastic way in making already small families nuclear with just husband, wife, son & daughter no Saas, no Bahu, dada, dadi, etc. It taught the poor Indian that not only kitchen cabinet does the politics at Delhi but it can be possible in each & every kitchen across the nation too. Thus more scope for women entering into politics in a way the quota for women which govt. is thinking of may need to make it for men instead in due course of time. These K serials show how the idiot box can convert the entire house itself into idiot box. This has helped men to go for evening walk after dinner right when the serials start. Also it has made them to eat at particular time daily if they delay then either they have to wait for another hour or skip meals.

Also there are comedy serials which made us laugh & there are comedy serials expect us to laugh, this only helps us in extending our patience line to the new length. The audience has become so clever now a days that they know who is the culprit or what is going to happen at the end of the detective serials are really not called for. One must have patience to watch the serials till end instead of switching to another channel or switching off the TV itself. There are other junk serials or TV programme like animal kingdom, discovery etc. they unnecessarily provide us too much entertainment, knowledge & information that the viewer gets glued to the TV & is deprived of viewing the real entertaining serials like K serials & so on.

We then took the inspiration from these not so long than life serials to have our own serial. Earlier we thought of buying the movie camera & start shooting since we never felt the need of any script etc. as mentioned earlier the idea was inspired from these serials only. We than thought of closed circuit camera, the idea liked everybody. We than bought a couple of them & got them fitted everywhere but in the toilets & bathrooms our life carried on as usual. Well we tried our best to remain made up by way of applying talcum powder on our faces, taking precaution not appearing before camera in loongi & in baniyan etc. By bedtime we’d switch off the power to the camera. The camera kept on for some time, the images were kept on loading into the computer.

My son grew he started walking, his cries, his loo, his laughter. Our lives quarrels, eating, talking everything just everything got recorded. Over a period of time we started behaving as if we were not facing the camera at all. By some time we realized the computer memory is filled up & even our drive was drying up. We then tried to edit the recording at our will leisurely without any hurry. We were stunned to note that it was a great piece of work we’d done. All the neighbors borrowed the CDs of the recording & applauded our efforts. It has all that which makes the serial a great one, it has no subject, no script, extempore dialogues, readymade sets/location, no change in cast thus no confusion among the audience, and most important long truly long lasting. We thought of visiting Mandi House once to sell of our work yet my friend cautioned me of them protracting the same by addition of advertisements, repeating the same shots again & again etc. So, the fear gripped me of our painstaking work getting disturbed & the message getting diluted. So we held on & the masterpiece still remains with us, anybody interested in airing the same without doing any change is welcome to buy the worldwide rights.

By

Vijay Yelmelwar

PHONE & CONNECTIVITY

And in just seven thousand eight hundred fifty & paisa seventy only I enjoyed the happiness of remaining connected for whole of the month. That too, when I’d been to the mobile company office they asked me to drop the cheque in the drop box & drop again next month for dropping the cheque in the drop box. It sent the sense of satisfaction from top to toe for many many reasons. First of all, the girl who talked to me was having more concern of showing off her own short revealing cloths than to the customer like me. Why on earth the government runs Telephone Company could not have thought of this before? Well, they must have thought of, yet, due to delays a word comes before every work done in the dictionary. And obviously the good looking cute teen aged girls get interviewed & by the time they join the job they themselves have mothered two – three good looking cute teen aged girls.

Secondly, there were no queues & the stamped receipts too. So no patiently waiting which I read in the night-news paper that, seventy three telephone customers became saints in the last three months as they got to wait patiently for getting connection, getting patiently their dead phone repaired, getting patiently stranded in the queue for the bill payment etc. They shortly realized, it would be better to worship the god he wouldn’t take so long to bless their wish. They in the end became saints, for ease in calling I named them telephone-saints.

Thirdly their office was so plush that, I felt staying there for little more. As it was drying hot outside, I enjoyed the machine chilled breeze for a while such luxury was just impossible there in the government office.

Fourthly, fifthly… Well, there are so many reasons for getting hooked to mobile the biggest however is getting connected all the times. Till ‘why the hell you got to remain connected all the time? Are you a slave that the master must know about you & is afraid of him loosing you out?’ one of my fathers’ old friends yelled me mocking at the all so valuable mobile phones. He was indeed old fashioned old man, just aloof of the developments in the telecom. He lived in an era when people would just depend on others & visit them as per appointments. How on earth he’d understand the importance of time? Now I call to take the appointment, then call to reaffirm the same, then call to inform that I’ve started from my place, then call to inform about traffic congestion & forgive for 3 minutes delay, then call to inform that I’ve reached & just parking my vehicle, then visiting washroom. I just don’t understand how these oldies could take others for ride?

Earlier people would phone to confirm about reaching destination safely. Now, thanks to mobile phone I can narrate the entire travel of ten hours in just two hours & make the listener feel actual journey, how convenient. There is less dependence also, we had just one phone & that to poor land which would go dead during heavy rains; at my friend’s aunt’s neighbor’s phone would go dead during heavy cold & during summer too I heard. How terrible life was then. Now how easy it is, I’ve two phones one CDMA technology one of GSM, wife carries just single one, brothers have two each, their wives have one each, at home I’ve one as a precaution if there is problem with the land line. My mother though she goes to temple in the evening she has one, my 5th standard son is after me to buy one for him & I’m also thinking seriously what would happen if there is delay in school or like that he must have one. Problem is he hasn’t made up his mind so far on the colour & make of phone.

Life is just too simple now than before due to these mobile phones. We remained live for just three thousand three hundred rupees as our whole family’s expenditure on grocery, milk etc. Whilst I remained connected just for Rs. seven thousand eight hundred fifty & paisa seventy only this is my mobile bill, rest bills of other a dozen mobile I’ve not considered. Well, just hold on, I’d better call them up & know their bill too.

Really how easy it has become?

By

Vijay Yelmelwar

SALARY

It wasn’t the normal week for me. As during the whole week I wasn’t caught by the mighty police on the streets the caretaker of the traffic. There is something basically wrong with my face itself I came to the conclusion of. Whatever vehicle I may be driving at whatever speed I’d be caught. Either at any of the signals even if I’m two feet behind the zebra crossing police will pull me aside. If my luck favors me, then I may not be asked to come out of the signal or when police try to fish the traffic by blocking the traffic on some stretch road I’d be soft pray to be caught.

Now I’ve got used to what to pull out of my wallet in what order. Its driving license first then RC/TC book, Insurance papers, PUC etc. etc. even if all the documents are in order they’d insist on checking tyre pressure. But I think it must be really tough for them to brake the ice with the motorist as when to start with the money matters. As my valuable experience is of any sense, then trust me, many of them do not just ask for the bribe, you should understand their body language. You are if blessed with average intelligence, you’d promptly pull the wallet out & make it little thin.

Well, there is what is called as experience comes handy. When to dole out five, ten, twenty, fifty or hundred rupees bill is by sheer experience you’d learn. After all, practice makes men perfect & I’ve been doling these crisp notes since my childhood. Earlier when I was young & the RTO hadn’t issued me any driving license, I’d take shelter or to be rather specific hide myself behind any truck, bus or big vehicle at the signal or whenever I find anybody clad in khaki uniform. Since then I realized golden rule of trafficking, keep lower denomination notes in the upper pocket or in wallet & real money in hidden pocket or if possible do not carry more than fifty bucks while driving two wheeler in the city. My still clever friend (clever readers would understand I thought of myself as clever) taught me that keep only five with you & do not keep any original papers with the vehicle keep photocopies. But as I was clever since childhood, managed to get duplicate driving license & got colour photocopies of them. Now, I’d just hand over my driving license to the cop halting me on the way & brisk away. After all, what do I supposed to do if, I’ve to keep distributing driving license at the rate of three a week. Getting colour photocopies has become my part of business. I heard, my friends visit shops buy grocery, vegetables along with their wives; I take my wife to photocopier. He has become my fast friend since then. I’m thinking seriously of entering into yearly contract with him for bulk photocopying the license.

To keep things clear, what a man can do in the salary of just five thousand five hundred fifty five a month? How can he get his son & a daughter admitted into the convent school & take care of their expenses? Buy sari worth four figures for his wife? Buy a flat, a car in the name of brother in law? Maintain two mobile phones of five figures each to track the fish & collect his cut from his collogue at next fishing spot? Have half a lakh rupees bike, to show how he manages in the salary itself, fill it with the ever rising priced petrol for the government purpose? How? How to manage?

Lastly the maibap government listened their grievances & many those blue pant & white shirt clad guys with harshly whistling whistles in their lips joined to help the constables standing twelve to fifteen hours at the road & at the signals are visible now a day. These assistants are, as I learnt, do not get any salary. They just ‘help manage’ their bosses. As pump the whistle as loud as possible & stop the speeding or running vehicle, collect papers from the driver, help collection or inform their bosses to help them turn blind eye on the accidents, speeding vehicles of local bhai, unruly rickshaw drivers squeezing out passengers etc. etc. At the end of the day the constables then pay hundred to two hundred rupees to their new assistants for having helped them whole day. So tell me what a poor constable can do in the meager salary of five …?

Of late I read in the news papers that the government is thinking of hiking their salaries. I’d sincerely appeal to the government, that please for the sake of the people of the country do not take such a drastic step against the police. The government has no right to demean their police force. How can the politicians who run the government can think the police are any way inferior to them? On the contrary I’d suggest, if my suggestions interest them as public interest is always taken in high sprit; do not at all pay them. Rather charge them for serving, more the no. stars onto their shoulders, higher the charges should be. Say, an inspector be charged with five thousand rupees per month to the commissioner with fifty thousands rupees per month like that. Of course, this is very rough estimate. Government can fine tune the structure in better way.

Thus I’d again ask you, what a poor constable can do in the meager salary of five …?

By
Vijay Yelmelwar

DISPLAYING HOARDING

‘Papa see him, he’s studying in my class’ my VIth standard son drag my attention towards the gigantic hoarding at the Bytco point recently. ‘See, he got his so big photo there, why can’t I have?’ his comparison & jealousy was spilling out. Even I was stumbled to note that what a young boy to do with the hoarding which are normally the domain of the politicians, leaders, film stars, cricketers & half naked models with toothpaste or soap or mobile phone or such trivial item wielding in their hands.

Yet, to pacify my son who was looking at me in deep dismay, as if I achieved nothing in whole of my life. Being a proud father of 11 year old son if I can not even get his photo printed on the hoarding in the middle of the highway than it is big shame on me, I realized. So first I pacified him with a jumbo pack of Kurkure flashing my favorite actress Juhi Chawla & one Cadbury bar with my favorite actor Amitabh Bachchans’ face onto it. He immediately forgot his defeat against his schoolmate of not having his photo the moment he got hold of his packets.

But, how could I forget his defeat? I decided to somehow get him a known figure in Nashik. I even discussed this subject at length with my friend Joshi over a cup of coffee during day time & over a glass of beer in the evening. Finally I convinced him to convince me to spend some money to get his photo printed onto the hoarding. But, he rightly suggested that there must be some reason to announce on the hoarding since so many passers by would see it.

The idea came like a bolt from the blue to my mind. Coming 27th would be completion of whole month that is some 720 hours (my goodness!!!!) of my quitting cigarette. I swear, touch wood I’d not smoked. Well, whatever smoke I inhaled through my smoking friends & smoking vehicles must not be considered here. So finally I decided to celebrate the 27th of my non smoking monthly anniversary.

And as I was convinced to spend money I called for the quotations for the hoarding. ‘As you go for searching you get knowledge about’ I had read this quote somewhere, I never knew that I was going to taste the value of that quote so soon in my life. ‘flex hoardings are the cheapest’, ‘you don’t need any stand to put on the hoardings’, ‘you just fix your hoarding on somebody else’s & by the time he protests your motive is solved’, you do not need any stand to put on hoardings, manage on somebody else’s’, ‘do not worry of municipal officials if the hoarding corners are printed in saffron or green colour’, ‘if possible print a political party’s flag in the corner’ , ‘one must ensure that the hoarding must be as big as possible & should be displayed in the middle of the road, how otherwise people will notice it? Etc. etc.

So, I decided to print small size hoarding of 30 feet x 55 feet. ‘Below this size people won’t notice the hoarding itself. I nodded in affirmation since motive has to be solved. I discussed with the printing guy who had already had minimum mid size & normally big sized hoarding printed. He recommended having all our family members be seen top to toe in the hoarding. His idea cost me another few thousands rupees as son & nephew needed the three piece suit. I’d to buy white shoe with white socks. These white socks I left wearing the day I left my school. White pant I stitched at DS Tailors at MG road, I was told to take due precaution that the crown on cuffs of Louis Philippe must appear in the photo along with the duplicate hundred rupees Rolex wristwatch. Wife, mother, sister in law were more than happy to buy the zari saree. If we all are going to pose in the middle of the road why not take the maid servant my mother suggested, when would she get such a chance & increase her business as well. So we bought five hundred rupees saree for her too. Care was taken that nobody would cover head with the palloo, ‘see any day newspaper for photo of MLA Shobha Bachchav’ printer cautioned. Palloo must cover both the shoulders he pointed. My brothers just don’t like publicity at all they prefer to pose half in their regular white shirts. Yet, younger brother had to buy the new Nokia handset which must come in the photo. We all went to main road for our hair cut.

Along with all the family members we pose for the photo. But being generous I felt sad for the two dogs we have & their four pups, parrot & two meowing cats so lastly I included them too in the hoarding. Thank god they did not demand anything neither printer wanted to adorn them.

Lastly, the hoarding came like I’m posing top to toe with 30 feet height as throwing the half burnt cigarette, ladies with their palloo covering their both the shoulders & not the head with their admiration towards my success dropping out of their eyes, brothers in half looking at me with great pleasure, son holding kurkure packet & nephew holding gas balloon, dogs & pups & parrot were made to fill the empty spaces. But the printer made it clear that even the animals were shown happy at my quitting the cigarette.

We’re searching for the right spot now. There is difference of opinion between me, Joshi, my brothers, wife, mother… We are thinking where to display it in the middle of Meher, Ram Kund, CBS, Dwarka, Shalimar, Bytco point or College road.

Well, decision shall be soon taken. For this is matter of my image, my son & nephews’ image. I’d say even animals have image.

By

Vijay Yelmelwar

TELL OF POTHOLES

All of a sudden big gigantic road paving machineries arrived just outside the house we live along with all those monstrous trucks carrying the mixture of coal tar & black stone metal. Just within a day the black coal tar smeared torn clothes wore men & women cleaned the road with their brushes meticulously & the machinery paved the road.

The tots were more than happy to play onto the brand new road. Now, they can not give or take credit for spin bowling in their gully cricket, otherwise bowing the straight bowl was the big trick. Suddenly all those familiar potholes vanished across the road. It left me deep down. How could you forget those shocks to your back for years together by the potholes on the road? I still remember that particular pothole near the last corner which gave me the spondylitis. The same spondylitis later helped in increasing the national income. It made me pay numerous visits to the orthopedic surgeon till I discovered him himself suffering with the same ailment. I then gave up riding my old Bajaj scooter & bought a Maruti 800. This made the doctor richer by few hundreds of rupees, chemist sitting next to his hospital by few hundreds of rupees, Maruti Udyog by another few thousands & oil companies will keep milking me more than what they did while I used scooter, till I use the car.

How could I forget those potholes? In those same potholes during rainy season I & my friends & years later my kids & his friends had played with the floating paper boats. To cool off the plantation fever kids have been planting the saplings brought from their schools. But somehow, the sapling never thrived. This year we seniors took interest & watered the plant till one rude truck driver ran over the poor sapling & killed its future. We seniors too shed few drops of tears on the loss of poor sapling planted into the potholes with great honour adorning the real use of potholes.

Sadly now roads can not be called as roads. How can one say road a road without any potholes on it? But, well I was thinking too deeply on the subject or I was too myopic, the same municipal people had already arrived by the time the pavement people were about to pack off. Now these gentlemen were with their digging instruments & the pleasing evergreen sight I witnessed within twenty-four hours of new pavement making. I’m told by the brother in law of the neighbors aunts step brothers relative that, there is law if the road digger are provided with coal tar will be considered as the cognizable offence a suitable case for six months imprisonment & if the diggers & pavers work in tandem with each other would attract still severe punishment. So no where in the Indian peninsula this activity will work hand in hand.

By the way in the first place I realized that municipal or some other are round the corner. As all those small & big politicians are well versed with those Ten Commandments specially designed for them, a well kept state secret. There could be change in order yet I remember having read somewhere a few of them they are, ‘voters are fools & they have very short memory’, ‘thou should take up public works in the face of elections’, ‘to cover the fact lie, to cover the lie, lie bigger the lie truth it becomes’ ‘to……’.

But now I decided to teach a lesson to those politicians having done injustice to me & to so many of road walkers, road riders, road sleepers, road Romeos, & so on that how could they deprive us of potholes? So I along with my son studying in class VIth & his younger brother of age 18 months that we’d just not vote the present corporator who’d caused us so much of trouble. Rather we’d find & vote the earlier & same old corporator who let us enjoy the same old potholes & let the nation prosper.

By

Vijay Yelmelwar