AT MISERS' CLUB

‘…even he doesn’t buy daily news paper but gets stale one from the waste-paper bin…’ I overheard my neighbour whispering to his friend & I doubt it he must be referring to me. Since at my inkling he stopped chattering. ‘Whatever people say about me but why should I change my lifestyle?’ I made my point to my friend who had trouble with me. He’d heard somebody mentioning that I switch on lights till it is too dark & at home bang my head on the wall. Or I don’t miss any dinner invitation, have no car still uses thirty six years old fathers’ bicycle, didn’t marry, didn’t paint walls & now the bricks beneath are visible, ….

‘It is very simple truth; you need more time to earn than to blow off your hard earned money so why spend?’ I chose to speak the sentence while preparing my speech at the ‘Idealists’ club’ instituted by me only some fifteen years back. Few fools call it as ‘misers’ club’ instead, well we never felt bad about it. Since then many people joined & due to our hard restrictions & exclusivity many self proclaimed hard core misers had to quit their memberships. One such spendthrift was thinking of shifting the present venue of our meeting to some other ‘at least’ non stinking place, it was shame on us & we unanimously decided to remove him. How can we abandon our meeting place which was slaughter house before we occupied, since they felt it was unhealthy for them. How can he ignore that the place doesn’t need to pay any taxes, no lights to be burnt & nobody comes here too. Apart from this we can plan our investments meticulously.

One member on whose inclusion I was responsible & really feel ashamed on my decision & even apologized a many times to my fellow members. The rascal wanted tea to be served during our fortnightly meeting at ‘Idealists’ club’ & that too at our own cost. Whenever I’ve sipped tea it is always at somebody else’s place or at party wherein I was invited. How could he think of such largesse? Since it was the thumb-rule of our club was to ‘fill our stomach at somebody else’s expenses be it a party, canteen, office etc. & if we’ve to eat buying our own food do not eat more than the body requires to burn the calories in four hours time. Our junior member only, who chose to open the door before our meeting time & close after the meeting, kicked one of our members who bought new clothes. We congratulated him profusely on his timely decision, since it could have been detrimental to our code of conduct. Since, one of our senior & illustrious member fainted down at the news as he never bought clothes. He stays naked at his home, a single occupant, goes out for work in factory uniform & for the meeting in his school days clothes stitched & stitched & altered at many times by his pet tailor who is also our member. Having such an apostle of miserliness how can our club member dare to spend money on new clothes?

I’d postulated our three point regulations & all our members had to stand by it if not better it.

Don’t buy.
Don’t spend.
Invest as per the club guidelines.

These were the main points which were easy to remember. Other less important points were even written with a piece of coal on the wall against the window were:

1. Eat less at our own expenses. It will save us money as well as getting sick since we eat more & burn our calories less. Many of our valued members have shown restraints of not eating for four days in row once they’ve filled themselves at some party with no gifts.
2. Dress & undress only when required, you might tear off your pants while putting it on & off frequently.
3. Never go out unnecessarily since it calls for expenses. If at all go out never carry cash & it will help you from spending it.
4. Do not maintain relationship with relatives. If possible don’t marry; having made a mistake don’t dare have kids.
5. Don’t spend big money on wife’s ailments you may have another at that cost.
6. Water & earth the soil are the best medicine try them & you get rid of all the ailments. Walk & walking will keep you fit & spend nothing.

I’d many other & noble ideas too to make life better & richer. Who can boast of being rich; the only one who has riches. Who can count money spent; but one can easily count money held!

By

Vijay Yelmelwar